Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Ways of Adultery: The Motivations, Consequences and Prevention

Often in my work here at Ada Bible Chuch, I hear stories of those who have fallen to unfaithfulness. With this, it is important to understand how adultery happens and the effects on individuals, marriages and families. Our society is rampant with sexuality and as I live in community with others I see how this adversely effects myself and those surrounding me. Countless times I have been confronted with the facts that men and women are being swayed into a lifestyle of promiscuity and adultery and are paying a dear price. In the church, I have seen leaders fall by the wayside and be negated any influence, because they have given into an affair or other sexual sins. In my own life I see the struggle. I am bombarded by the message of my culture, “You are your own. You don’t have to answer to anyone. Go ahead…No one will know.” I know that none of this will just go away without intervention, facing the facts, and walking the narrow path.

Professionally, it is imperative that pastors, first, recognize that more and more families facing adultery are going to walk through their church doors. Because as a society, we continue to walk away from God’s commands we will see more consequences of our sin. Broken marriages, which have failed, because of the false security of adultery will become more and more commonplace. Secondly, pastors will need answers. Not only can they not be shocked or stupefied when these couples enter their lives, but they will not be able to give pat solutions. If a pastor does not know the myths, preventions, and healing that is involved with adultery, they will not be able to aid those they minister to as pastors.


The Statistics About Affairs
One conclusion is that adultery is becoming more common, and researchers are finding that women are as likely as men to have an affair. A 1983 study found that 29 percent of married people under twenty-five had had an affair with no statistical difference between the number of men and women who chose to be unfaithful to their spouses early in life. By comparison, only 9 percent of spouses in the 1950s under the age of 25 had been involved in extramarital sex. Another study concluded that by age forty about 50 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives will become involved in an extramarital affair (Anderson, 2000).

Ten percent of extramarital affairs last one day, ten percent last more than one day but less than a month, 50 percent last more than a month but less than a year, but 40 percent last two or more years. Few extramarital affairs last more than four years (Lampe, 2000).

It appears that the percentage of women who have extramarital sex has increased the last few decades. In 1953, Alfred Kinsey found that 29 percent of married women admitted to at least one affair. A Psychology Today survey in 1970 reported that 36 percent of their female readers had extramarital sex. One study in 1987 found that 70 percent of women surveyed had been involved in an affair.

It also appears that women who are employed full-time outside of the home are more likely to have an affair than full-time homemakers. Several studies come to this same conclusion. One study found that 47 percent of wives who were employed full-time and 27 percent of full-time homemakers had been involved in an affair before they were 40 years old. And New Woman magazine found that 57 percent of employed wives who had an affair met their lover at work.

Perhaps you are thinking, "This is just a problem with non- Christians in society. It can't be a problem in the church. Certainly the moral standards of Christians are higher." Well, there is growing evidence that adultery is also a problem in Christian circles. An article in a 1997 issue of Newsweek magazine noted that various surveys suggest that as many as 30 percent of male Protestant ministers have had sexual relationships with women other than their wives. The Journal of Pastoral Care in 1993 reported a survey of Southern Baptist pastors in which 14 percent acknowledged they had engaged in "sexual behavior inappropriate to a minister." It also reported that 70 percent had counseled at least one woman who had had intercourse with another minister. A 1988 survey of nearly 1,000 Protestant clergy by Leadership magazine found that 12 percent admitted to sexual intercourse outside of marriage, and that 23 percent had done something sexually inappropriate with someone other than their spouse. The researchers also interviewed nearly 1,000 subscribers to Christianity Today who were not pastors. They found the numbers were nearly double: 45 percent indicated having done something sexually inappropriate, and 23 percent having extramarital intercourse (Anderson, 2000). Inside and outside the church, marital unfaithfulness is a problem.

Motivations for Affairs
Affairs usually develop because the relationship meets various social and psychological needs. Self-esteem needs are often at the top of the list. Self-esteem needs are met through knowing, understanding, and acceptance. Psychologists say that those needs are enhanced through talking intimately about feelings, thoughts, and needs. Proximity does not matter--this can take place in person or take place through the Internet.

Women, who have had an affair, report feeling thrilled by their lover’s interest in them physically, emotionally, and intellectually. They are also excited about the chance to know a different man and how he thinks and feels in comparison to their spouse. They also feel intimate with their lovers because they can talk about their feelings openly. However, when the affair ends, they feel a great deal of guilt with regard to their husband and children. They also regret the deceit that accompanied the affair.

Men report feeling excited about the sexual experience of the affair. They try to control their feelings in the affair and do not compete with their feelings for their wife. Often they limit the emotional involvement with their lover. Men also feel guilt and regret over deceit when an affair ends, but less so than most women.

Men and women have affairs for different reasons. Research has shown that women seek affairs in order to be loved, have a friend, and feel needed. Men seek affairs for sexual fulfillment, friendship, and fun.

Consequences of Affairs
When God commands, You shall not commit adultery (Ex. 20:14), He did so for for good reasons. There are significant social, psychological, and spiritual consequences to adultery.

A major social cost is divorce. An affair that is discovered does not have to lead to divorce, but often it does. About one-third of couples remain together after the discovery of an adulterous affair, while the other two-thirds usually divorce.

Not surprisingly, the divorce rate is higher among people who have affairs. Annette Lawson (author of Adultery: An Analysis of Love and Betrayal) found that spouses who did not have affairs had the lowest rate of divorce. Women who had multiple affairs (especially if they started early in the marriage) had the highest rate of divorce.

A lesser known fact is that those who divorce rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. For example, Dr. Jan Halper’s study of successful men (executives, entrepreneurs, professionals) found that very few men who have affairs divorce their wife and marry their lovers. Only 3 percent of the 4,100 men surveyed eventually married their lovers.

For those who think the grass is greener on the other side, Frank Pittman has found that the divorce rate among those who married their lovers was 75 percent. The reasons for the high divorce rate include: intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, a general distrust of marriage, and a distrust of the affairee. This is an amazing statistic if one thinks about the ramifications of adultery.

The psychological consequences are also significant, even if they are sometimes more difficult to discern. People who pursue an affair often do so for self-esteem needs, but often further erode those feelings by violating trust, intimacy, and stability in a marriage relationship. Affairs do not stabilize a marriage, they upset it. Likewise, we are discovering for those who pursue another relationship for the needs of self-esteem and self-worth, usually are disappointed.

Affairs destroy trust. It’s not surprising that marriages formed after an affair and a divorce have such a high divorce rate. If your new spouse cheated before, what guarantee do you have that this person won’t begin to cheat on you? Distrust of marriage and distrust of the affairee are significant issues.

Finally, there are spiritual consequences to affairs. We grieve the Lord by our actions. We disgrace the Lord as we become one more statistic of moral failure within the body of Christ. We threaten the sacred marriage bond between us and our spouse. We bring guilt into our lives and shame into our marriage and family. Affairs extract a tremendous price in our lives and the lives of those we love and hold dear.

And let’s not forget the long-term consequences. Affairs, for example, can lead to unwanted pregnancies. According to one report, "Studies of blood typing show that as many as 1 out of every 10 babies born in North America is not the offspring of the mother’s husband." Affairs can also result in sexually transmitted diseases like syphilis, chlamydia, herpes, or even AIDS. Many of these diseases are not curable and will last for a lifetime (Anderson, 2000).

Preventing an Affair
First, accept the possibility of being sexually attracted to another person and of having sexual fantasies. Frank Pittman believes we should acknowledge that such thoughts can develop so that you don’t scare them into hiding, but he also says you obviously shouldn’t act on them. Being physically attracted can often be common. If this is the case, acknowledge this attraction to your spouse and do not engage with the person on a personal level.

Second, Pittman maintains that we should hang out with monogamous people. He says, "They make a good support system." To state it negatively, "Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good morals" (1 Cor. 15:33). With this, one of the glaring truths is that when one marries one has to forgo opposite sex relationships. Affairs most likely happen in the context of church or work, and developing a opposite sex friendship with someone could be fraught with danger. In terms of my work as a counselor, every person I have counseled who had an affair started this relationship in the context of friendship. Again, this boundary we create in our marriages is simply for the benefit of protecting our marriages.

Third, work on your marriage. Pittman emphasizes the importance of striving to keep your marriage sexual and work to be intimate with your spouse. He also says to make marriage an important part of your identity. As he says, "Carry your marriage with you wherever you go."

Fourth, be realistic about your marriage. Pittman says, "Don’t expect your marriage to make you happy. See your partner as a source of comfort rather than a cause of unhappiness." Accept the reality of marriage; it isn’t always beautiful and easy and each married couple must accept that they are both imperfect.

Fifth, keep the marriage equal in terms of roles and responsibilities. For example one way would be to be share parenting duties. If this does not occur, “one partner will become the full-time parent, and the other will become a full-time child" without responsibilities, who seeks to be taken care of. Pittman offers, "The more equal a marriage is, the more both partners will respect and value it."

Finally, if you aren’t already married, be careful in your choice of a marriage partner. For example, marry someone who believes in, and has a family history of, monogamy. Pittman says, "It is a bad idea to become the fifth husband of a woman who has been unfaithful to her previous four." Making a commitment to someone who has shared values is obviously crucial to a long-lasting and fruitful relationship.

After reading numerous articles and books about the subject of adultery one can make a few assumptions: 1) Adultery is prevalent, 2) Adultery is deadly to marriage, 3) Adultery can be prevented. One might be saying, Tell me something I don’t know, but I have found that most are in a fog when it breaches the subject personally. As with a lot of issues, it doesn’t effect one until it hits home and that is usually too late.

The facts about adultery are clear. Adultery is widespread. In C. Welton Gaddy’s book
Adultery and Grace he states that 2 out of every 3 men commit adultery and one out of three women do. That means (if this statistic is right) that in your church pew on a normal Sunday morning, 2 or 3 men sitting with you have committed adultery; and on top of that maybe one of their wives has as well. That puts a silence in the room doesn’t it? And to take that further, the realities bear out that this behavior only harms all involved, destroying marriages and families. Peggy Vaughn has come up with a list of issues that teenagers must deal with when it comes out that mom or dad (or both!) have not been faithful:Teens may hold idealistic standards that have been shattered. They may hold parents to a higher standard—so they may be even more affected due to the disparity between who they "thought" the parent was and who they now see them to be.
  1. Teens may be especially harsh in their judgment. Since they may have always counted on the parent, they may now feel they can't count on them. And they may have even more difficulty with trust/forgiveness because of the anxiety they may experience due to feeling they can no longer count on "anybody" or "anything."
  2. Teens may feel fiercely protective of the hurt parent. They may do a "role reversal," becoming intensely protective of the hurt parent, just as the parent was protective of them when they were children.
  3. Teens may feel disloyal to the hurt parent if they forgive the other parent.
  4. Teens may be unable to let go of the intense emotions surrounding this experience, perhaps requiring "genuine" encouragement from the hurt parent in order to be able to do this.
  5. Teens may take it very personally. They may feel somehow that this was done to them; that they have been betrayed. Since this is too big an issue to ignore - or to hope the kids will just "get over," it's important to be available to respond to their comments and to their feelings in a non-defensive way. It may feel awkward to have the "tables turned" so to speak (in that the kids may be chastising the parent in a way that parents often chastise their kids) - but the kids' reactions are understandable, especially in light of the potential impact on their lives as listed above. It's simply a fact that there are unpleasant consequences for everyone in dealing with this issue, so everybody must do their best to "step up to the plate" and do everything possible to recover and rebuild the relationships that have been damaged.

We have always been concerned about children of divorce, maybe we should also be thinking of children of adultery? And this is only one ramification; the adulterer also has to learn to handle gossip, loss of respect, disease, divorce, family, ostracism, and so much more. Lastly, the truth that adultery can be avoided is obvious. Randy Alcorn wrote a piece for Leadership Journal, which concretely describes what is necessary to stay faithful. Some examples are,

• Monitor your spiritual pulse
• Guard your marriage
• Deal with the subtle signs of sexual attraction
• Get accountability
• Regularly rehearse the consequences

Adultery has been around nearly since the beginning. It is here to stay. The books, journals and articles clearly state the obvious about the problem. It should make us take a hard look at our own lives to see how they measure up to the standard and if we are in the ministry of counseling be ready for the inevitable, broken and devastated families who have been touched by an affair.

Summary and Biblical Reflection
From the book of Genesis to Revelation we will find the theme and the subject of adultery. Whether from a spiritual or sexual point the Bible is not shy about the topic as we might be. And the Bible is clear on the topic as well: Adultery happens, adultery is always wrong, adultery is always destructive and there are ways to avoid it.

Just as in the 20th century the stories in the Bible are filled with stories of unfaithfulness, running from David to Hosea to the woman caught in adultery who was brought before Jesus, the Bible is not prudish in confronting the issue. At the same time, however, it never condones the sin. Right away, in the beginning of the Scriptures, God shows us where he stands on these issues: Thou shalt not commit adultery and Thou shalt not covet your neighbor’s wife. It is so important to Him that he states it twice in the Ten Commandments! He then goes on in length in Deuteronomy to make sure he has made himself clear even getting more detailed than maybe we would like. Throughout many of the books of the Bible, we see God making this point, adultery always destroys. Over and over, he says, “Want to ruin your life, your spouse, your family? Sleep with another who you have not made a covenant with.” Throughout the Bible and specifically the book of Proverbs, He is poetic and punctuated:

Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life.

Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?
Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished. (6:25-26)


God says clearly, adultery will bring spiritual, physical, and emotional calamity. But Scripture is also clear that adultery is first and foremost, preventable. Again, throughout the Proverbs we hear how to run away just as Joseph did with Potiphar’s wife. It is not inevitable that we can fall ensnared. Some of us, however, need to make some major changes and some of us, minor adjustments: to start being forthright and honest with ourselves, our spouses and our closest friends, to putting up walls to those around us who would bring temptation into our lives, and to the most important, staying as close as possible to the One who can really protect us. All of these, simply solutions to what the Bible has counseled in terms of protecting our families and our marriages.

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